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a study in confusion

journal of a long December

8/25/11 03:58 am - OH WHY THE FUCK NOT

Here's some passive-aggressive shit for you all, but not really, because I'm bigger than that.

I work. FML. That's all about it.
"Ur, if you want to get anywhere in life, you have to set your goals a little higher."
"...I'm already pretty high, man."
and that's why I don't have another job!

Tonight, I met and became friends with a couple that live around here. Very nice, nerd/geek stock, and very sharing. Very 'let's pass a bowl and a few controllers around in front of our 60" TV'; in short, my kind of people, as far as social activities go. I realized leaving their house that they were the first people I'd met in real life, without an introduction from a friend who knew them already, since... sixth grade. Blew my mind, which didn't take much right then. (That whole situation is going to last for a while, hopefully a few months, then BLOW THE FUCK UP. Gonna be nasty. Calling it now.)

I walk at least two miles a day, to and from bus stops, just to get to work. This week, I work every day except Sunday. Not uncommon. How am I not losing any weight? Am I, and can I just not tell because I don't own a scale? #questionsfortheages #waitthisisn'ttwitter #ithinki'mhavingasocialmedia-relatednervousmeltdown,someonecalltheparamedics

Sometimes, I'm sorry you all know me. Then I pull a Rorschach and scream that I'm sorry I know all of you. properly fucking mental.

5/13/11 01:55 am - Two steps forward, one back. Give or take.

stuff, things, etc. but no tasty snacks.. at least, not of the non-pharma kind.Collapse )

3/25/11 03:32 am - I had to share this.

To the true Christian, a seed sprouting from the ground and a baby being born is exactly as miraculous as Jesus rising from the dead or Adam being formed from the dust of the ground, because they are all One Thing, all happening ever Now, and the same yesterday, today, and forever. The Quran constantly states that the Death and Resurrection is ever happening before our eyes, and that the Day of Resurrection is the Eternal Today, and we all resurrect as One Soul (Quran 31:28). The superstitious mind might think I am devaluing Jesus by saying his resurrection is no more significant than a fungus spore sprouting. On the contrary, our superstitious mind is devaluing the Omnipresence of Christ by not recognizing that Jesus and the fungus spore resurrecting are one thing, Christ come in the flesh, right before our eyes, that Christ is all and in all (Colossians 3:11), Ever Here. The Bhagavad Gita emphasizes this, that the enlightened mind sees the Holy in everything and everybody and regards dirt, stone, and gold as all equal (Gita 14:24). The marketing mind sees one object more valuable than another, one person better than another, one thing, place, or person as sacred and another as profane, one event more favorable than another, one religion superior to others, unlike the Holy mind, which is no respecter of persons, as the Bible keeps saying . The Tao of Heaven is impartial, Tao Te Ching 79 says. The Infant Mind is the Zen mind, and sees all things in perfect equanimity, the Buddhist sutras keep telling us.

~from http://zerocurrency.blogspot.com/2011/03/theres-no-such-thing-as-supernatural.html

Man. That's powerful shit, right there.

3/17/11 02:22 am - Weird question.

Someone just posted a comment on my last post on here, a few hours ago.

Whoever you are: you were worried you sounded creepy? You sounded wonderful. I really needed that. Thank you so, so much. Please get in contact with me, on here or elsewhere. You can stay anonymous if you want.

Back to regularly scheduled programming whenever I feel like.

3/2/11 07:27 pm - I should probably be more honest about my life with more people. That's not going to happen.

Most of my posts contain large amounts of sarcasm. This one doesn't. We'll be back to our regularly scheduled program next time.

Internet, you will work for these new, trying times, and all their demands for transparency.

It has been a long... well, let's just go with 'week' here. I have spent more and more of it inside my own mind, attempting to seek out and find certain things that have been bothering me. 'Debugging my own mental processes' would be a good way of putting it, I suppose.

There is, or was, a person in my life whose opinions I held very highly. Higher than my own, on many things, despite disagreeing with some. Probably dangerous. As of late, I'd regrettably started losing contact with said person; it appeared to me I was simply not a part of this person's life anymore. This last Friday, I started an argument between us, in some sort of attempt to fix that, to regain some form of conversation between the two of us. This had worked in the past, but this time... it didn't. Very much did not.

I believe the phrase I received that was most telling was this: 'Because I thought you were a normal human being with empathy and trust?' As far as the person is concerned, I no longer am. Some things aren't easy for me to hear.

Likewise, some things aren't easy for me to say: I spent the rest of the day reeling. Went to work that night, had what my own limited experience describes as a panic attack, followed by a minor psychotic episode, followed by several hours of extreme disorientation and paranoia. It wasn't real pleasant.

But things being the way they are, thank God for my own limited mental elasticity, I managed to work through it. I excused myself from the kitchen for a while, freaked out by myself, regained my composure, and put my thoughts away and myself to work. Then I came home, repeated the process, and drank myself to sleep.

Since then, I've been... okay. Not great, but not willing to put myself through that kind of pain because of someone else's opinion of me. Not saying I don't deserve the opinion; I fucked up, massively, in regards to my relationship with the person, and I doubt very much that I'll ever be able to fix it. And that hurts a lot. But.

My past has wounds in it. My future, as yet, doesn't. Which one do you think I'd rather spend time in?

PS: I'm not talking about any of this publicly because it deserves to be made public. It doesn't, really, and that's why I'm not saying who I'm talking about. It's no one's business, barely ours. I'm saying this because... I'm not really sure why. Because it helps to write about things sometimes. Because it helps to be a sad, emo little fuck on the Internet sometimes. Because this is likely the closest thing to closure for this that I'm going to get. And, really, that's enough for me. It has to be.

(If you're the person I'm talking about, and you manage to read this: I'm sorry. Enjoy your future.)

2/17/11 03:47 am - I have a job.

I'm in a kitchen again, which is more fun than I expected. Chicken in Kirkwood, is all I'm saying, and not fast food. Please don't guess publicly.

Other than that, I have been sober a lot more than usual lately. And, honestly, I'm better off than I thought I'd be. When you consume something as much as I did for the last year and a half, you expect some kind of withdrawal, which has clearly not happened in this case, and I couldn't be happier.

Doesn't mean I'm going to stay that way, though. I'm not an addict, baby, it's all right, but I miss getting high. A couple of friends stayed here last night and brought some with them, and we all had a damn good time. It's just too much fun to even want to quit.

I sound like I'm making excuses, but I can't bring myself to give a shit. If only cannabis had negative side effects on humans! Oh well, better keep it illegal anyway so only twenty-somethings wearing beanies who listen to shitty metal can make money off it, much safer for the public that way. War on drugs, hurf durf.

No, I don't own a beanie.

Tomorrow is my first day off in two weeks, have worked for 13 days straight. Looking forward to... not doing so.

Other things!

12/29/10 12:10 am - I have a tendency to coast.

To float along where the breeze and the tides meet, to wherever strikes their collective, unconscious fancy.

This time, I got pulled back down to St. Louis. I must confess: this time, I did some pushing of my own.

Oh well. It worked out, it happened, and more's the pity.

I just don't know what to do with myself, says Jack White in my own words. But it's the truth, I haven't known what to do other than work-eat-dope-sleep for the last year or so.

Quit my job before I moved down here; asked the fourth manager I've had in the last year, 'hey, am I on the schedule next week?' 'Uh, yeah, of course you are.' 'Funny. Here's my keys.' It felt pretty good, but now.. I have no plans.

That feels kind of good too. Really more numb, than anything else.

Speaking of numb.

1/2/10 01:56 am - A few things adding up to one.

1. Started seriously acquiring lossless copies of a few things lately. All of Coheed, NIN, Pink Floyd and Tool, along with the most recent remasters of the Led Zeppelin and Beatles (both mono and stereo) catalogs.

2. Found some Sennheiser CX-300-IIs (MSRP $80) on sale at Fye for $30. Mine.

3. Installed the newest version of Rockbox on my iPod, and copied over most of the above listed FLACs.

4. Killed all the lights, lied down, and turned on the new stereo remaster of Strawberry Fields Forever.

Operation Blow Fuzzy's Mind: COMPLETE SUCCESS. Why the hell didn't I go down this road sooner? Next step will be to start seriously cutting down on my collection, and saying goodbye to everything worse than V0 MP3. Hard drives are cheap, right?

10/28/09 01:35 pm - Braindump time.

Alright, let's go in order.

1. Work is pretty awesome. I've been selling pretty decently, next paycheck should be nice. So we'll see.

2. Speaking of, I got paid on Saturday, so me, Doc, and Dennis all went down to Denver yesterday. Went to Cheeburger Cheeburger, ordered the biggest burger they sold, (20 oz. of ground beef before cooking) and somehow finished it. Dennis did the same. There is now a picture of the three of us on the wall of the restaurant. We then went exploring a local mall (Flatiron Crossings; has a significant, well-engineered outdoor area, I approve) then decided to go try to explore Boulder. Unfortunately, when we were almost there, we got word that weather was getting progressively worse up north, so we decided to hightail it the two hours or so back home. By the time we got to the state border, we were in the middle of one hell of a blizzard. Got back to Cheyenne safe, though; dropped Dennis off at his place, hung out for a while, had delicious cookies (thanks, Kim), talked zombies and gaming for a while (thanks, Andrew), then me and Doc went home, where we are still hiding from the snow that has yet to stop coming down.

3. Luckily, I don't work until 4:30 tomorrow, which means I have time to read

4. Cory Doctorow's new book that just came out today. Makers. He serialized about the first third as 'Themepunks' on Salon years ago, then rewrote it and started serializing it again on Tor.com this year. I've been obsessive about checking every MWF since he started, and now that it came out.. well, all of a sudden it's three hours later, and I don't know why. Best book Mr. Doctorow has written since Down and Out..., and possibly better still than that. (You better believe that's some high fucking praise from me.)

Other than that.. uh, yeah. That's about it.

9/30/09 03:45 am - Sometimes, I love that we're us.

Okay. Doc and I saw a 12" touchscreen LCD monitor on eBay last week, so he bid on it. It arrived today.

Today's project has entailed setting it up with an old laptop of mine to serve one purpose: the home theater software we use, XBMC, has a web interface with big, chunky buttons for play, pause, stop, etc. The laptop (for now) boots straight into Firefox, which lets us prod at the buttons on the touchscreen. The whole rig is currently set up in and on top of a small end table at one end of the couch, within easy reach of the television's audience.

Tonight's project is me writing a whole new interface for it, and Doc skinning the whole thing, because I am never satisfied with anything technological unless I've done it myself. (You'd think I'd've written a whole OS by now.)

This whole exercise has made me realize something, though.

More through here.Collapse )

Holy shit, now I understand (even more) why my father taught me to fix things when they break instead of buying replacements. We've had to put in a few hours work to get it all running, but it's so much more satisfying sitting down and watching something on our cobbled together with duct tape setup than anything you'd see at Best Buy.

(although i wouldn't mind a new 50" plasma. >_>)

Great part is, I start work at Radio Shack this coming week. Which means discount on parts to do moooooooooooooore. Love it.

9/24/09 05:04 pm - OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT (part II)

Went on the interview. Assuming I pass a background check, and why the hell wouldn't I, I should be employed by Monday.


Also, played the Brütal Legend demo. Holy. Shit. Can't wait for October 13th now.

9/23/09 02:55 pm - OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT.


9/5/09 03:17 pm - Playing catchup.

So, Beatles: Rock Band comes out on the 9th. Won't be getting it then, but I'll probably have it by the end of the year.

To get ready for this, I decided to download new copies of all of their discography, this time at a much higher quality level. (My old copies were shit on decent headphones.) I thought, 'hey, I'll listen to all of it, and really get a grip on the catalog.' Great idea.

What actually turned out happening is this: I have listened to Revolver at least once a day for the last two weeks.

When I was a kid, I would steal my parents' LPs and 45s a lot. So stuff like Head East, Wish You Were Here, BTO, Bill Cosby, Cheech and Chong.. and Revolver. For a couple years, I listened to Revolver almost constantly. God, that album has a place in my heart not even Coheed or Five Iron can match most days. (Not that I'm a screaming fanboy.)

Went walking around putting in applications earlier. I forgot so many phone numbers, halfway through the first one, I had to come home and pull them from my various address books. A little embarrassing, but oh well. Put in a few more, then walked home. Put on Help! as I was leaving, wishing that 'I'm Down' had made it onto the album, and I'd barely finished it by the time my fingers were begging to put Revolver on. Damn addicts.

Other than that.. uh. Not much. Applying for jobs, listening to music, playing video games, wrestling with computers, wishing to God I just had some source of income and wasn't worried about having to piss test at any arbitrary point. I'd love a joint right about now.

And the Japanese Festival is this weekend. Fffffff. ;______;

EDIT: I forgot to share this with you all, didn't I?
clicky clicky.

8/8/09 01:50 am - Uh.

Still looking for a job.

Amanda moved out, Doc moved his computers and such into his bedroom, I moved into the second bedroom. So, now I have a door for the first time since I was living with Aaron at the start of 2007. So I can pretty much have music on constantly now.

Going down to Denver on Sunday for some show-off the local Lego fan club is putting on. Actually kind of excited about it, 'cause it'll be the first time I've been out of this town since the start of June.

Also, want to punch myself in the face. And not just because I found one (uno, singular) cigarette while cleaning and now I'm listening to Whatever and Ever Amen and it turns out I have never listened to this album without smoking constantly and now I miss not having self-control.

Also been having srs thoughts (srs bsns) about relationships and related bullshit lately. Really not a fan. ;____;

7/17/09 02:51 am - Christ.

Last couple weeks have been lots of applying at everywhere. Still no job, what a fucking shock.

I just hate all of this. Just when I think I'm starting to make a little, tiny, tiny fucking bit of progress with you, turns out I'm not. Shouldn't be surprised to much by that, either. Don't even know why I bother anymore. Maybe I shouldn't.

Post end, I'm going to go listen to the Smiths now.

7/2/09 11:51 am - What did we learn on the show tonight, Craig?

From blog.okcupid.com:

Would you consider role-playing out a RAPE FANTASY with partner who asked you to?

data set: 340,000 people answered

Well, I believe we learned that WYOMING LOVES CONSENT FANTASIES.


6/25/09 09:46 am - The world is small, and it's laughing at me because of it.

Yeah, I update Twitter a lot more than this place. Like, semi-daily. Crazy.

I really, really don't have anything {to|I can} say here. So. Business as usual, etc. Going to go sell plasma now.

6/1/09 01:27 am - Man, I don't post here very often.

Okay. Um.

Spent two weeks down in St. Louis. Had a mostly pretty damn good time. Got to go to Pointfest with Meagan, McCormick, Kyle, and a few others (though everyone but Meagan kept running off). Got to see Ludo, Anberlin, and the Used. Spent the rest of the time down there just hanging out, which was both relaxing as hell and a little stressful. Figure that shit out.

Flew back up here, found a cheap netbook, and am now applying pretty much everywhere within walking distance, even though I only expect to do whatever it is for a couple months.

Oh, by the way, if I haven't told you yet: Doc and I are moving back to St. Louis by the end of the summer.

4/25/09 03:38 am - It's days like this that make me question the universe's sense of humor.

Ever since we decided to close the store, I've looked upon things as 'the end of an adventure,' 'cause really, that's what this whole thing was. Moving across the country to run a business with a couple friends? It didn't end quite the way I'd have liked, but valuable experience nonetheless, etc.

I went up to the mall today with Isaac to grab one of the couches and bring it back here. We got to the store, put the couch on the dolly; then I sat down and remembered just how comfortable the couch was. So we pulled it up to the front of the store, facing out, and peoplewatched for a while. Good times.

At one point, Isaac went to the bathroom, and some random guy came in to look at the stuff we had left to sell. We got to talking, discussed PSPs and Mother 3, and he sympathized with me about the store closing. On his way out the door, out of the blue, he said 'Good luck on your next adventure.'

Ever since then (around 6pm), I've been wondering if maybe some greater cosmic entity than myself made sure I heard that. If maybe there's some new adventure I'm supposed to go out on now, other than wait a month and start working at Roger's bus depot. Is there something I'm supposed to be doing elsewhere?

Hell. Philosophical crisis. I'm going to go do some sudoku or something until I pass out.

4/21/09 02:52 am

While sitting at a restaurant earlier, waiting for food, Doc opened the conversation with this:

'I want a bouncy ball that bounces off the ground with 101% efficiency.'

So we discussed exactly how that would not only A) controvert Newtonian physics completely, but B) implode the universe after a given amount of time/acceleration. (Short version: as an object accelerates towards the speed of light, according to Einstein's theory of relativity, it also gains mass; if, as I believe, Zeno's Paradox only exists in a purely theoretical realm, then when the object attains the speed of light, it also mathematically attains infinite mass, therefore causing the entire universe to almost instantaneously implode around it.) This lasted for about ten minutes, in which time we somehow managed to rope another person into the conversation. 'I have to get in on this,' he said as he leaned out of his booth, just before killing the conversation dead with poorly-informed fears of the LHC.

As the unknown man was leaving, he made sure to wish me a 'happy 4/20'. I didn't bother to point out to him (but made sure to do so to Doc) that, if I were stoned, I would have had a lot more trouble spitting out phrases like 'asymptotically approaching the speed of light' without giggling for half an hour and forgetting where I was.

So, yeah, unemployed now. Buying a plane ticket this week. Playing a lot of video games, sitting around, probably not drinking as much coffee as I should to keep up this hipster stereotype I seem to keep around.

While at the mall earlier, slinging a yo-yo repeatedly, I ran into one of the locals; he related to me a conversation he'd had one of his friends.
person A: 'You know that guy who works at GameOn, looks like Jesus?'
person B: 'Oh yeah, Fuzzy.'
It never ends.

4/18/09 04:27 am - Yeah, okay.

The store's lease expired at 9pm last night, April 17th.

And I should be a lot more upset than I am.

Don't get me wrong, I'm upset and all, but.. eh. It's such a weight off my shoulders, I guess. Add the facts that 1. I spent the entire night having delicious alcohol with our one employee and one of my co-managers, 2. I'm actually kind of okay with things outside of the store, and 3. Swing Life Away just came on.. y'know, I've been in worse places in my life.

I had a lot more to say here, but things like that pale in comparison to needing to go have a drink and sing.

let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I love. So much. Not that it doesn't hurt, it does. But I still have so much to give sometimes. </emo>

4/5/09 10:47 pm - Hey, it gets worse.

Details to follow, but we're closing the store in a week.


4/4/09 02:32 am - agh. rambletastic.

Okay, today was... hell.

bitchbitchbitchbitchbitchCollapse )

So I'm spending the rest of my night with a cat on my lap, scrolling through iTunes, trying to pick out songs that might mean something for some fucked-up flipperbaby of a mix CD. I really, really do not want to sleep any time soon, 'cause I figure any dreams I may have tonight will switch back and forth between emo teenager bullshit, and the ritual disemboweling of JJ and half of the mall's management company. (Except for the PR lady they've got. Yum.)

4/2/09 04:27 am - A contradiction:

* Upon some autopsychoanalysis, I have noticed that the intended end result of most things I do is, directly or indirectly, to get laid.

* Upon more of the same, I have noticed that I don't really enjoy or desire sex; at least, not to the extent I think that most people do,

So, basically, most of what I do is without a real point.

Note: totally not omgemopost. More of a bemused 'huh.' post.

Thinking about starting a new kind-of-writing project re: music. Might say something about it here later, might let it wither on the vine.

Also, I like crullers.

3/28/09 03:17 am - i've been waiting for this moment

Night 1 (The Second Stage Turbine Blade)
Night 2 (In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3)
Night 3 (Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume One: From Fear Through The Eyes Of Madness)
Night 4 (Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume Two: No World For Tomorrow)

Coheed does a four night live stand in New York, and plays each of their albums in their respective entireties.

I am an unapologetic fanboy of the band, so all I'll say is this: if you're not a fan already, you probably won't be after having heard this. It's still damn good, though.

Fair warning: this is all 320kb MP3, so each one of those links point to a zip file somewhere between 130MB and 180MB.

In other news, <null>

Okay, just kidding. Been a long few days, lots of whatever man whatever, but kids, I'm not emo. Just.. out of it. Need some time to internalize a few things, really make myself aware and cognizant of reality. Things can change quickly, even up here; I forgot that.

But hey. I spent all day sitting around at the store, listening to Coheed. Hard for things to seem real bad when you realize that.

I wish my typewriter were up here. I have some letters I want to write.

3/26/09 03:39 am - oh Christ.

For whatever reason, I have 'Hey There Delilah' stuck in my head.

Regardless, Coheed and Cambria trumps Hannah Montana, Bluetooth headsets for the win, emotional vulnerability for the lose, cigarettes in the Wyoming winter for the all-encompassing fail, and confusion reigns supreme. Gotta dig it. Start it with a long night at work, end it with Wallace and Gromit and poorly-forethought emails, and you have a night, or something.

Collars. With bells. Why bells? Why collars?

I'm getting too old for this shit.

3/6/09 03:27 am - Just saw Watchmen.

Dear Christ.

No, no spoilers here. Just wanted to tell you all that it's really, really, really good.

It diverges from the graphic novel slightly at the end (y'know, that one thing that happens that one time?) but my absolute favorite scene from the book is intact, and it hurt even more seeing it on the screen than it did reading it.

Holy shit, that was fantastic.

3/5/09 05:28 pm - Um.

Our cats are now service animals.

Amanda went to the doctor and got them classified as such because of her hyperacuity, or some excuse like that.

However it works, we can now move into Prairie View, not only with all 5 cats, but without any pet deposits.

Figure that shit out. Filling out application paperwork like crazy now.

3/5/09 02:38 am - Much better.

That whole 'worrying about bills' thing? Crisis averted; had more money saved than I thought, so bills are paid or being paid tomorrow; either way, taken care of, and the store's starting to pick up again. Not as worried anymore.

The three of us are starting to look for better apartments, 'cause the management company wants to raise our rent, and frankly, this place isn't worth what we're already paying. Problem is we have five cats, and there's very few places in town that are okay with even one or two.

Doc and I went out looking today, and we think we might've found a nice three-bedroom, two-bath; bigger than this place, and not much more money. I'm going in early tomorrow so Doc can take Amanda to look at the apartment and have a sitdown with the apartment staff, see if they can work something out about the felines. If not.. well, I have some small amount of faith that we'll find something.

I want to go back to St. Louis at some point. Probably only for a week, 'cause that means I lose less money, but we'll see. I would prefer to do it before summer hits, maybe around the end of May? I don't know, we'll see how things stand around the end of April, when we should be officially taking over the store. God only knows what hell will break loose between then and now.

One more thing: Doc and I have been spending the last couple weeks (on and off) working on whipping our media center situation into shape. Doc put together a nice little file server, which now has a shitload of TV shows, movies, and anime on it, and I've been playing with XBMC on Doc's Xbox, getting everything tagged up real pretty. We'll likely be replacing the Xbox with a dedicated Linux box running XBMC soon enough, though; then it'll have enough memory for the MediaStream skin. (translation: shiny.)

When all this is done, sitting down and watching something will go something along the lines of:
a) turn on TV/surround sound/PC or Xbox
b) select 'Movies'
c) pick a movie
And bam, gorgeous HD movie for you long time. I am far too pleased with this.

(Also, BitTorrent is a hell of a thing. Downloaded all of The Young Ones, Jericho, a bunch of other shit; also checked out Monty Python's Flying Circus from the-best-library-ever (yeah, all 16 DVDs, for two fucking dollars) and we're in the process of ripping/transcoding/copying it to the file server. So uh we rock.)

I'm done here.

3/3/09 09:38 pm - ..yeah, alright.

Sometimes I hit forget to set a private flag on things I put on here until a few hours later. It's rare, but it happens. Oh well.

There is not much going on up here, really. Sitting at work, wondering about how I'm going to pay bills (mine and the store's) with how little we're making nowadays. I am.. worried, to put it mildly.

but hey things work out blah blah blah. whatever, we'll see, i'm not holding up too much hope.

And stupid, stupid me spent last night first looking up my own credit report, and upon finding that it was pretty decent, all things considered, spent a while looking up Dell's financing terms on laptops, 'cause man I could go for a Mini 9 running Leopard. (Name it Gatito? Would fit in with the G-theme Doc has going.) I'm an idiot, someone dissuade me from this course of action.

I'm trying to get my last.fm profile to mirror what I actually listen to, as opposed to what I listened to for two months in 2005. I'm kind of amazed it's changed that much in only three years--

oh God, it's 2009, it's been four years. what happened, where has my life gone. ;_;
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